The Angry Liberal's Iraq Disaster Fixaroo

“Every stop’s the wrong stop when you’re riding the wrong train.”

Unknown Country Artist

Yep, everybody seems to have an opinion these days about what to do about Iraq. The opinions vary from leaving Iraq immediately to, well, never leaving. Also, everybody who has an opinion on this subject thinks everybody else is wrong. When you listen to the arguments against all positions, including your own, you can’t help but be struck by the fact that the other side has a point. How could this be, you ask? It’s simple, really. Everybody is wrong. Pulling out of Iraq willy-nilly is a dumb idea. Of course, staying and dying indefinitely just to show the world that we have the stomach to piss away lives and treasure is in a mentally challenged league of its own. All other plans of action (or inaction) range from silly (Paris Hilton trying to program her own cell phone) to certifiably moronic (anybody who still has a “Bush/Cheney ‘04" bumpersticker on his/her car).

Enter the unknown country singer quoted above. Apply that pithy bit of romantic wisdom to the various Iraq war options and suddenly our current dilemma makes sense. Nobody likes any of the stops that the Iraq Express is making because our conductor, George W. Bush, put us on the wrong train. Everybody’s solution to the Iraq mess is dumb because there is no good way to end something that shouldn’t have started.

A few of us knew this going in. We were mostly unpatriotic America-haters at the time. It turns out that those of us who were able to separate the emotional trauma of the World Trade Center attack from a rational examination of the Iraq situation were right to oppose the war and the thumb-sucking bedwetters who were too scared to think about the train Bush was putting us on before it left the station were wrong. You know, that statement isn’t expressed nearly enough these days, so let me say it again: Those of us who opposed the war were right and George W. Bush, Dick (Head) Cheney, and every stinking Republican who bad-mouthed the Dixie Chicks, Joseph Wilson, and John Kerry were all wrong. Choke on it, creeps.

Back to the current problem. As long as every Iraq solution sucks, it can’t possibly hurt to throw in my two cents’ worth. And after you hear it (and stop laughing), you’ll realize that it probably sucks the least of all of the ideas currently being floated by both sides. So without further ado, say “Howdy” to the Angry Liberal’s Iraq Disaster Fixaroo.

It works like this: The war, which is currently being fueled by federal borrowing, is removed from the general, emergency supplementary, and double-secret federal budgets. To cover the cost of the war, the Pentagon puts a giant change jar in the park in front of the White House (sort of like the one at the Quik Mart that helps fund the cancer research hospital, only this jar would be about the size of the Quik Mart itself). Once the mammoth jar is in place, people who want to see the war continue drive by and throw money into it. At the same time, the Pentagon folks suck money out of the jar to finance the war. As long as the jar has cash in it, the war continues. When the jar runs out, somebody informs Bush that we won and then the troops come home.

There is a small problem with this strategy. The military is currently burning through roughly $200 billion per year in Iraq. With this in mind, let’s say that people who wish to donate to the war effort drop an average of $20 each into the jar as they zip past. Let’s also say that the cars are so close together that their bumpers all touch, and the drive-thru line runs 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In order to raise the kind of cash needed to continue the war in our change jar, guess how fast the line of cars would have to move as people tossed their Jacksons? 50 miles per hour? 100 miles per hour? Nope, not even close. The correct answer for the speed of the passing traffic is around 3,200 mph. That’s approximately mach 4.3. Seriously. You can run the numbers for yourself. I think that puts in perspective the kind of cash that the Republicans are stealing from our children and burning in Iraq. While most of the Democrats look the other way, of course. Don’t think I’ve forgotten those weasels in this drama.

Unlike the war, this problem has an easy fix. The line of traffic could be slowed down to a reasonable speed by having more than one jar. We could put jars in front of every local Republican Headquarters in America. They could put their best man on the funding collection and distribution effort. I hear Michael Brown is available.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead. Take your best shot. The Angry Liberal’s Iraq Disaster Fixaroo is a dumb idea, right? No kidding. Remember the country singer’s quote above. They’re all dumb ideas, so I’m keeping company with every Republican and Democrat who has coughed up a plan to fix Iraq.

Got all of the criticism out of your system? Good. Now, let’s consider the positive points of my plan:

1. It’s democratic. Since there are no good solutions here, it can’t possibly hurt to throw the decision of when to end the war over to the average Joe. After all, Joe voted to elect George W. Bush at least once (don’t get me started on the 2000 election) and was all gung ho about starting the war before the invasion, so he’s used to being wrong.

2. It provides political cover for Bush. Dubya is a big fan of blaming other people for the problems in Iraq. He didn’t lie about WMD and al Qaeda connections in Iraq. The CIA gave him bad intelligence. He didn’t decide to put too few troops in Iraq to maintain order. He provided the generals in charge with whatever troop levels they request. And so long as the war goes on, his policy is not a failure. It’s still a successful policy that just hasn’t been fully implemented. Knowing this, you can see why the war will never end under Bush’s watch. Well, with my plan, Bush doesn’t have to decide when to end the war. That decision would be left to the American people. Then, when the jar runs dry, the troops are withdrawn, and Iraq becomes whatever it will eventually become anyway, Bush can complain that he would have loved to have won the war, but the unpatriotic, anti-American general public refused to fund it. And we were so close to victory, too. Damn!

Under normal circumstances, I would never consider a plan that would give an out to the jerks in the White House, but Bush and his collection of extras from “Cookoo’s Nest” are so radioactive, bringing the war to a quick and messy end wouldn’t help their poll numbers, political futures, or legacy. And at the end of the day, the hole would finally stop getting deeper.

3. The Iraq War would end immediately. Let’s face it. If this plan were executed, the Iraq War would be over in about eight seconds. How can I be sure? Simple. The liberals never supported the war from the start, the moderates have bailed on the war over the past couple of years, and conservatives, who love the war, won’t pay for what is essentially a bloated, wasteful government program, even if they believe the future of America depends on it. Their commitment to the war begins and ends with a magnetic yellow ribbon on the back of their Middle East Oil-burning SUVs. So after the first week, a giant glass jar would be trucked away with an empty 32-ounce Colt 45 bottle and a Coney Island whitefish sliding around on the bottom.

So, there you have it. Implement the Angry Liberal’s Iraq Disaster Fixaroo and troops will be home in time for lunch. Children will have their moms and dads back. Police and fire stations will be back up to full strength. Best of all, the military can finally start rebuilding its low moral and ruined equipment, and begin drawing up plans to lose the Iran war.

I wonder what the weather is like in Canada this millennium?

9/27/07

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