The Angry Liberal Commentary Archive:
My Holiday Message to Fellow Liberals
I don't like to shop. I hate crowds. Needless to say, I'm not having much fun this time of year. In a fit of bad judgment, I was Christmas shopping yesterday at the local mega-mall, and having exactly as much fun as you might expect. Some god-awful Christmas carol remake done with a $50 drum machine and the female teen sensation of the week was playing on the mall speaker system. The place was jammed with the usual Christmas crowd: Junior high girls in packs of two or three, all with tops too high and jeans too low to cover their belly buttons. Dads and grandfathers sitting on benches, staring vacantly into space as if their brains had crashed and were rebooting. Moms with babies in their arms, pushing strollers converted to makeshift shopping carts piled high with gifts.
In the middle of this huge crowd, twenty feet in front of me was a tall, bespectacled, well-dressed thirty-something male. He was standing next to a stroller that housed an infant. There was a three-year-old girl at his side. Suddenly, he looked my way and shouted angrily, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Startled, I noticed an upset seven-year-old girl right beside me, moving quickly to rejoin her angry dad. The little girl reached her father. "I got behind some slow people," I heard her say. "WELL, PUSH THEM OUT OF THE WAY!" bellowed the father. "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"
I was stunned. My first reaction was to quietly inform him that he was setting a bad example for his children. No, not severe enough. I pushed the phrase "Up-tight pr*ck" out of my mind and tried to think of something more appropriate. As this creep and his poor family sped out of sight, my mind was racing. If he acts this way in public, what must this guy be like when he is alone with these kids? I thought of the poor daughters, each with expensive therapy in their futures. Assuming this behavior is normal, they will likely grow up to marry some " type A" bastard just like their dad. Those of us surrounding this guy are just people in his way, and can be shoved aside when needed. Worst of all, a Christmas shopping trip with kids precisely the right age to be completely absorbed in the excitement of the holidays was instead a forced march of anger and fear.
Then it hit me. This guy was the epitome of Modern Conservatism. His family, which should be the center of his universe, is instead a burden, keeping him from some imagined deadline. He treats his neighbors with contempt, exploiting them for his own personal gain and simply shoving them out of his way when necessary. When an American falls a little behind, he screams at them to keep up. Our lives under Conservatism, which should be about enjoyment of family and togetherness, are too often a forced march of long working hours and abuse from our betters as we strive to make them happy, always falling short.
I desperately searched for a silver lining to this tragic realization. It finally came to me. As much as I dislike shopping and crowds, I have never been as miserable as this guy clearly was. His rush, his family, his possessions, to wit, his conservatism, was not making this creep a happier person. Best of all, when this guy's daughters bring home husbands that are just like dear old dad, those fine couples will be taking care of him in his old age with all of the compassion that he instilled in them.
God help him after that.
Somehow, this realization made the trip to the mall seem kind of fun. As I crossed paths with other people, I greeted them with a smile and a polite " Excuse me." One of the worst shopping days of the year suddenly turned into an experience bordering on pleasant.
Cheer up, fellow liberals. While those who would walk all over us rule for the moment, their days are numbered. Feel sorry for the Americans whom the conservatives will not allow us to help. Do what you can, knowing that one day soon we will be in control and able make a difference. Take a break from the disappointment and anger you feel toward your conservative neighbors . They will still be there in the new year. That's when we'll go after them with a vengeance. . .
Happy Holidays!
. . .The Angry Liberal
12/16/01
