The Angry Liberal Commentary Archive:

Human Cloning: The Six-Cell Circus

The circus is back in Washington. This week, after the announcement that Advanced Cell Technology in Worcester, Mass., successfully cloned a six-celled embryo in the pursuit of treating disease, the Republicans started fainting in the aisles of Congress right on cue. Kansas Senator Sam Brownback immediately called for legislation banning this procedure for six months. Former Governor Bush called the medical research breakthrough "morally wrong." My favorite quote came from New Jersey Representative Chris Smith, who said the following:

"Mad scientists are still mad scientists no matter how white their lab coats are and how many bioethicists they hire to justify their actions."

And partisan hacks are partisan hacks, Chris, no matter how red-white-and-blue their lapel ribbons are and how many Cs in Biology 101 are on the transcript they flaunt to advertise their alleged knowledge of science. But I digress. . .

After years of careful study, I finally understand the Republican position on human life. You can discard all of the "pro-life" and "pro-death-penalty" contradictions you have been wrestling with in a vain attempt to understand the enemy and replace them with this simple scientific formula:

"Republican concern for human life is inversely proportional to its size."

There you have it. As your size increases, Republicans lose interest in whether you live or die. Let's see how Republican concern varies with varying size:

 

Case #: Size of life: Republican Concern Response:
1) Six cells, cloned: microscopic Hyperventilation, calls for death penalty for anyone caught using a petri dish.
2) Four-month-old premature baby in ICU: 1 lb. 4 oz. Smiles, cigars, lots of glancing at wristwatches when frantic parents ask for help with $500,000 hospital bill.
3) Four-year-old girl with unemployed parent: 32 lb. Begrudging support for immunization, Head Start, and school nutrition programs sponsored by Democrats, but there had better be a tax cut for our fat cat supporters in the legislation.
4) Sixteen-year-old single mom: 95 lb. Scowls, wagging fingers, calls to cut off government support, jail the father, and remove the girl's reproductive organs.
5) Forty-five-year-old unemployed man: 175 lb. Speeches about how Daddy started with nothing, denial of health insurance, no retraining, but here's the phone number of our landscape foreman, who might just have a cash-only position available.
6) Poor African-American male, aged 13-90, accused of murder: 110-275 lb. Two-hour trial resulting in conviction while pro bono defense attorney naps, denied appeals, and a line of smiling conservatives with hot dogs, waiting to roast them over the smoldering head of the accused after his date with "Old Sparky."

Let's end this debate now. Republicans are not pro-life. They are pro-cell, pro-fetus, pro-embryo, and even pro-child up to the moment of delivery. After that, they could give a rat's ass about life. In short, kids, a political party that sleeps at night while 43 million Americans have no health insurance has absolutely, positively, no claim whatever to any label resembling "pro-life." Their brave defense of the microscopic blob at the expense of multitudes of lives that could be saved by the ongoing research is proof positive of this.

So stand proudly on the floor of Congress, Senator Brownback. Demand an end to the needless suffering of tiny living dots while your fellow Americans die needlessly all around you from the lack of health insurance. Weep for the tortured microscopic clusters while America executes its citizens. The world is disgusted and embarrassed by your histrionics.

Who the hell votes for these people, anyway?

. . .The Angry Liberal

11/28/01

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