The Angry Liberal Commentary Archive:
Airline Security: Better Dead than Fed
So here we are almost two months after a handful of terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center and nearly succeeded in changing the Pentagon into a quadragon. Their weapon of choice: Box-cutters. This scenario, which would have seemed laughable just a couple of months ago, worked almost perfectly. Of course, the box-cutters did not actually cause the destruction, but they allowed a handful of religious nuts to seize control of several passenger aircraft, which are capable of inflicting the necessary devastation with ease.
The lesson here: Don't let hijackers assume control of passenger aircraft. Ever. To this end, legislation was passed unanimously by the U.S. Senate that provides a good first step. It is still not law, however. The reason: A bunch of Republicans in the House don't want security workers at airports to become government employees. Think about it. The sticking point for the Republicans in improving airline safety in America is the disastrous scenario in which airport security workers receive better job security, higher pay, better training, and better healthcare. Man, is that scary or what? No wonder the Republicans are willing to allow terrorists continued access to our aircraft! There's a Republican principle at stake here, folks: The private sector can always provide better service than the government can.
Let's apply this brilliant philosophy to other areas of the government, shall we? Why not turn the armed forces over to a private company? We could solicit bids from various companies wishing to provide national security and give the contract to the lowest bidder. Then we could write the winning company (let's call it"Fred's Army, Inc.") a big check every year and leave our cares behind! I love this! I feel safer already! Just think! Fred could set the rules for his military employees. First of all, if they aren't fighting a war at a given moment, Fred could make them clock out. This would save a fortune in wasted payroll. Next, why hire expensive American soldiers when you cou ld get Central-American and Middle-Eastern immigrants for much less money? More savings. Fred could mandate that wasteful government housing should be eliminated, and that his military employees should bring their own tents to their assignments. And supplying these guys with personal weapons is way too costly! Mechanics have to buy their own tools. Why should Fred have to spend money on rifles and sidearms? Tank crews and pilots could be forced to pay for part of the fuel their vehicles consume. After all, isn't driving or flying into battle really just commuting to the job site? Why should Fred pay for that? Finally, people who are willing to charge into battle in a hail of gunfire really aren't worried about their own lives, right? So, why should Fred worry about them? Fred could turn over military healthcare to a private H.M.O. If you are wounded in battle, just make an appointment with your primary physician in Cleveland. He can squeeze you in a week from Friday. And bring your $10 copay.
Given all of these cost savings, Fred is pretty confident that Fred's Army, Inc. can provide a complete national security package for $96 billion dollars next year. Expenses would be around $9 billion, leaving Fred a cool $87 billion in profit, some of which he can kick back to the campaign war chests of the same "pro-business" Republicans who are opposing federalization of the airline security workforce. This could save U.S. taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars! And best of all, if America ever gets destroyed or overrun by another country, we could sue Fred for breach of contract.
Kids, we get what we pay for. If you want Fred to run America's airline security, keep supporting Republicans in Congress. Fred does.
. . .The Angry Liberal
11/11/01
