The Angry Liberal Commentary Archive:
Terrorism: An Issue Even Bush Can Understand
After their boss was appointed to the White House by the Supreme Court, George W. Bush's staff faced a daunting task: How do they take a dull, uninterested pretty boy and present him as a leader who is acceptably knowledgeable about the world? Working in the aides' favor was the fact that the president could read while giving that look of concern via the forehead wrinkle. This made speeches a snap. The video prompter was only part of the equation, though. After all, sooner or later this guy was going to have to meet with a foreign leader or give a press conference.
The solution: Have somebody write policies that Bush should support on his right hand and policies he should oppose on his left hand. This way, Georgie could make off-the-cuff statements that somewhat resembled actual policy and Ari Fleischer could fix the statements in the following press conference. Remember, America is okay with phrases like, "The president misspoke," and "The president acted on the best information available to him at the time of his statement."
It was worth a try. White House aides and special interest groups representing business and The Rich lined up with their felt-tip pens, covering Bush's hands with conservative slogans. It was time for a test run.
"What about energy policy, Mr. President?"
(Let's see. The president's right hand has "oil is good" written on it. His left hand has "conservation is bad" written on it. This is easy!)
"We need to drill in Alaska (see right hand) and kill mandatory appliance energy efficiency increases put in place by the Clinton administration (see left hand)."
"What about the pollution caused by these policies? What about the importance of preserving a bit of wilderness in America?"
(Let's take a look. Nope, neither hand says anything about smoke or wild critters, so those issues must not be important.)
"Due to the importance of a stable oil supply, those issues must be looked upon, uh, less importantly."
Hey, close enough! Wow! Who knew that making Bush appear knowledgeable could be so easy? Bush could formulate his entire energy policy by glancing at his hands and still have time to knock back a few dozen cold ones at the end of the day.
This system was beginning to wear thin in a complex world, however. When faced with a new standard for allowable arsenic levels in our drinking water, Bush stumbled. Nothing written on either hand about that one. The left hand had a couple of good guidelines on it, though. There was "government regulation is bad," and "scientists are dumb." Okay, that regulation is gone. This change-of-policy has since been reversed after a public backlash and a report from the National Academy of Science's National Research Council (a.k.a. a group of very smart folks who didn't sleep through science class or have to have their dads fix it so they could get into Yale). Bush's aides responded to this political disaster with a left-hand list update: "Killing white middle- and upper-class voters is bad."
Next, there was Bush's visit to Israel. Right hand? "Israel is good." Left hand? "Palestinians don't contribute to presidential elections," followed by, "foreign policy is boring." A few stupid statements later, the Palestinians felt betrayed by the United States, and Israel felt it had received the green light to begin a low-level war to rid the Palestinian threat from its territory. After months of silence from the White House while the bodies piled up in Israel, the world was beginning to realize that complex situations often require complex policies and actual effort by the government to implement them. Bush, people began to realize, may not have been the best choice to head up the free world.
Just when the world was becoming too complex for Georgie's hands, there suddenly appeared on Semptember 11 an enemy so dangerous that America lost interest in everything else, and so despicable that even the president could understand the policy implications! Bush's aides gleefully washed all of the previous policy stuff off of the president's hands and got out the permanent marker: Right hand: "America is good." Left hand: "Terrorism is bad." What a break for the administration! This could be all that the president needs to know for the rest of his term! Bush now has permission to ignore all of that boring and difficult-to-understand policy stuff on mundane things like the economy, and instead, play the role of Yul Brynner in "The Magnificent Seven" for the next few years. And Americans love it!
So stay tuned, America. Bush's polling numbers are great at the moment, but events are likely to get more complex in the coming months. As the war drags on and the economy continues to suffer from neglect, the president's aides might be forced to mark up his hands with new guidelines. But be patient, fellow Americans. After all, the man only has two hands. . .
. . .The Angry Liberal
11/06/01
