"Accost-a la Breast-a, Baby!"

I'm not crazy about the subject of the Gray Davis recall, so I'll be brief. The allegations about Arnold "Mind by Jake" Schwarzenegger groping women are, as far as I can tell, based in fact. I'm very surprised to see Arnold and his friends denying any of them.

In a recent piece in the Mercury News, the following allegation about Arnold and co-star Linda Hamilton was published:

"A 2001 article in Premiere Magazine titled 'Arnold the Barbarian' depicted Schwarzenegger as a crude sexual predator who harassed and groped women on the set of his many hit films. The article quoted a female film crew member alleging he had pulled her breasts out of her blouse during the filming of 'Terminator 2: Judgment Day' in 1990, and another saying he had fondled the breasts of his co-star, Linda Hamilton, during a limosine ride in front of several witnesses, including Hamilton's then-boyfriend, director James Cameron.

After the article was published, Hamilton and several other colleagues came to Schwarzenegger's defense, saying the allegations were untrue."

The problem is that Linda Hamilton admitted an almost identical incident on a talk show in 1990 while promoting "T2." I wish I had a transcript, but I don't really need one because I heard the words come out of Hamilton's mouth. The incident went like this: Linda's twin sister, Leslie Hamilton Gearren, was visiting the set of "T2" during the film's production. Arnold, unaware that Linda had a twin sister, saw Leslie and mistook her for Linda. He approached her from behind and without saying a word, reached around her and grabbed her breasts. According to Linda, Arnold was embarrassed that the woman he groped was not her, but the story illustrates two things: 1) Arnold Schwarzenegger used to grab Hamilton's breasts on the set of the movie as a sort of Neanderthal greeting, which even if it were consensual, gives tremendous support to the claims of the ever-increasing number of women coming forward. 2) The Mercury News piece, which has Hamilton denying an incident almost identical to the one that she volunteered during the 1990 talk show I discussed, shows that she is misleading us and protecting Arnold.

Okay, I have no source to cite for my story. I can't remember what talk show Hamilton's story comes from. All I can tell you is that I remember hearing the words come out of Hamilton's mouth. Is this lousy journalism on my part? You bet it is. The point is that if anybody cares to poke around, sitting in a dark studio archive somewhere is the 1990 tape of Linda Hamilton telling the story I described above. Somebody will dig it up soon and we will all be watching Hamilton tell that story, probably after the recall election is over. And while we're on the subject, God knows what else is lying around in those film vaults. If Californians elect this guy, they are going to get to spend Arnold's entire term listening to all the additional allegations that we know are coming. In addition, if you listen closely, you can hear the writers for Leno and Letterman digging all the old sex jokes out of the files, crossing out "Clinton" and writing in "Arnold." All I can say is this: Would you Californians out there rather see this parade of damning and belittling publicity aimed at a lousy action movie actor or at your governor?

The good news here is that republicans are no longer allowed to make Clinton jokes. After years of listening to the "holier-than-thou" crowd on the right razz us Clinton supporters about Monica, they are now stuck defending somebody whose sexual past is not only much worse, but likely criminal. Did you laugh at Clinton saying he didn't inhale? Well, you can see Arnold smoking a joint on film. The next one of you who tells a Clinton sex joke is going to get ten Arnold sex jokes back. I'll start the ball rolling by offering a special T-shirt at my web store.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to spend some time working on my gubernatorial resume. See you aht da gym!

 

10/05/03

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