The State of the Union Address: The Version You Didn't Hear.

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."
Gallagher

The funniest thing happened Tuesday evening. I was preparing to watch Dubya's State of the Union Address in the usual fashion: Popping Dramamine and Advil, and chasing them with something that wouldn't stain the couch too badly if it came up later. While idly fooling around with the television remote, I accidentally pressed the "caption" button. The caption menu popped up, which included "English," " Spanish," and one I'd never noticed before, "Truth." I was intrigued, so I selected the "Truth" setting and jotted down the resulting captions that appeared below Bush as he spoke. The results were, well, interesting. Below is a list of the captions I was able to capture. Enjoy!

Introduction: Ladies and Gentlemen: I can't believe I'm introducing this loser as the President of the United States!

Opening: My fellow Americans, the state of the union is strong. Not as strong as it was after the World Trade Center was attacked and I had to say it was stronger than ever, or as strong as it was in the nineties when most Americans had jobs, or in the eighties when Reagan was president and I was a drunk. But it is definitely stronger than it was during, say, that couple of hours in 1981 when Reagan was shot and Al Haig took over as president. Heck, he didn't have to get the Supreme Court involved! He just took over! What a guy!
Okay, here's the usual collection of distortions, mindless platitudes, and pie-in-the-sky proposals:

Job training: We need to prepare our unemployed for the jobs of the future. Therefore, I propose a series of measures called "Jobs for the 21st Century." After completing their job training, participants of this new program will receive a diploma and an airline ticket to India, where his or her new $3-per-hour job will be waiting.

Unemployment: Of the three million jobs America has lost since I entered office, we created 1,000 replacements last month. At this breakneck pace, we can be back to the pre-me unemployment level in about 250 years.
Let's face it, low unemployment is a pain in the ass. How are a company's stockholders supposed to squeeze every penny out of that company when its employees are secure enough about their futures to ask for a raise once in a while?

Nuclear proliferation: Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible, and no one can now doubt the word of America. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! Sorry. After systematically lying to the world to start a war, I didn't really think I could read that line with a straight face.
Seriously, America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes. North Korea? Never heard of 'em. Why?

Terrorism: I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all. They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. I say to them, what are you, a bunch of pussies? Kill 'em all, I say! And don't stop there. I propose to arm our nation's police forces with bombers. Why put police officers in dangerous situations and in bad neighborhoods? Our experience in Iraq has shown that if you can kill one or two bad guys, or suspected bad guys, or guys who look like suspected bad guys, what's a few dozen dead civilians? By living in bad neighborhoods, they're just asking for it.
Americans are finding new ways to help with the war on terrorism. The poor and middle class do the fighting, the unborn do the financing, and the rich have to put an American flag on their 100% tax-deductible Hummers.

Democracy: America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom. And to kick off this effort, I will immediately turn over the presidency to the winner of the 2000 election, Al Gore.

Adversity: In the last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war. And those who contributed to my election campaign have come out unscathed.

Tort Reform: Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits. Tonight, I propose that we combine these concepts, allowing small businesses to kill a small portion of their employees and the public at large without fear of gold-digging orphans coming after them with attorneys. With this new power, however, comes responsibility. Small businesses should only kill people if it will save the company a whole lot of money. Or if the people in question look like terrorists from an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Conservation: Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run -- so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy. And to accomplish this, I'm proposing absolutely nothing. I had an idea jotted down, but I think I left in the ammo compartment of the Hummer. Or maybe it's in the tanker truck that has to follow my Hummer around.

Privatization of Social Security: Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account. Remember, just one lottery ticket can win millions! I say that everybody should invest a portion of their retirement in lottery tickets! Remember, you can't win if you don't play! And if I have my way, future retirees can't eat if they don't win!

Immigration: Tonight, I also ask you to reform our immigration laws so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers when no Americans can be found to fill the job. I propose to bring in a flood of semi-legal immigrants to drive wages lower and kick additional Americans out of the work force. Our motto is "Help assure sh*t pay for sh*t jobs." After all, why should companies have to raise the pay scale for America's worst jobs just because no American is willing to take them for minimum wage? Calculated interference with economic forces that control the job market has never been the American way. That is about to change.

Medicare Reform: By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve. And any seniors dumb enough to sign up for this program will deserve what they get, indeed.

Health Insurance: On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. Whether Americans prefer good coverage that nobody can afford or lousy coverage that most can afford if they're willing to give up food on Tuesdays, my administration will work hard to preserve both of these choices. In addition, I say to the 40 million Americans without health insurance what I said to Laura on our wedding night: "I got mine. You're on your own."
A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. The cost savings of such a program alone would threaten to pay off the national debt that we Republicans have labored so tirelessly to pass on to your children. Besides, what would the members of a displaced pharmaceutical and insurance force do for a living? The world simply doesn't have that many used cars to sell.

Illegal Drugs: One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. We've got to reinforce to America's youth that drugs are a road to nowhere. Or in my case, a road to the White House.

Steroids: The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. Our young people need to learn that steroids must only be used for only the most serious of medical conditions, such as a chronic yearning to star in motion pictures and govern California.

Teen Sex: In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about the medical risks of doin' the nasty. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: It's a lot more fun to watch the fat school nurse deliver a 1950s film presentation showing some clean-cut dork telling a chick in a poodle skirt that he's saving himself for his wedding night than to play "Hide the Dictator" in an attractive, but anonymous spider hole, if you know what I mean . . .

Gay Marriage: Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton (Man, he's fun to blame!). That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. My position on gay marriage? Take any speech on civil rights written in the South 50 years ago, replace the word "Negro" with the word "Homosexual," and you've got it. Homosexuals should not be allowed to make a mockery of the sacred institution of marriage. Only heterosexuals are allowed to do that. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

Family Values: America has got to raise its children as well as my wife and I, er, my brother, er, my mother, er . . . well, they just need to raise good kids. We're proud of parents we've heard about who've managed to pull that off. We don't know any. Wait! Chelsea what's-her-name! There's a great kid! Her parents did a great job with her! What's her last name? Colson? Horton? Oh, I remember, it's . . . Nevermind.

Advice to the little girl in Rhode Island: Study hard in school, listen to your mom or dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, "thank you." And try not to stare at his or her wheelchair. And while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you safe and free. After all, America will need you and your little friends to grow up strong and confident in order to start paying off the whopping federal debt that I'm leaving for you. Tax cuts and wheelchairs are expensive.

Conclusion: My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with faith and confidence. The faith that most of you are too blinded by fear to critically examine this turd of a speech, and the confidence that those of you who see through it are too unorganized, under-funded, and demoralized to put up much of a fight. Good night, and remember, the Lord loves those who are willing to help themselves. And since I've been in office, America's richest have been helping themselves to everything that's not tied down in this great nation. God bless America.

Inner Monologue: (Man, I can read them speeches better than Reagan ever could! I hope Dick has time to explain this one to me later.)

1/23/04

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